Dear Grandpa,
I miss you today, like I missed you yesterday, and I'm sure I'll miss you some more tomorrow. I think about you often, in heaven, or wherever you are. I want so desperately to change my actions during your final weeks of life. I should have visited you more often and been more involved in your care. Perhaps if I had been, you would still be alive today.
I still remember the day we came and saw you and I told you it would be okay for you to go home. I made promises to you, and I will keep them no matter what the cost. Grandma and Mom are doing okay. They miss you... but things have changed a lot since you left us. Mom finally left Mike, I know you must be smiling.
TO BE CONTINUED
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
Missing You
Lately I have been missing...everyone who is no longer in my life. As a teenager I lost many people in the sense that they were still living, but no longer in my life. It happens to many teenagers, and at least for me, it isn't until 3 to 5 years later that I am realizing I miss these people. Or perhaps I am not missing these people, but rather how simple life was when they were in it.
My best friend (off and on) from ninth grade until two years after high school introduced me to my fiance. She worked with him, and set us up on a blind date. A few months later, she made me choose between him and her, and I chose him. Him and I are still together, and I know that I ultimately made the right choice. However, I think that there will always be a sense of loss when it comes to her. We were BEST friends in the most intense kind of way, and I just don't know if I will come to a point of closure on the entire ordeal. The last time we truly spoke I was half awake and just so upset, that I said, "fine" and simply gave up. Some days I wish I had had the energy to fight for her because when she was truly being my friend, she was an amazing friend. On the same note, I know that she is no longer that person with whom I shared this amazingly intense friendship with, and that reconcile (at this point) would be useless. It sucks but I guess I just need more time. With time, we forgive, forget, and heal, right?
If I could talk with her just one last time, I think that it would help me in a lot of ways. I never told her thank you for introducing me to the most important person in my life. I would tell her I'm sorry and that I think that that final talk would have gone differently had I not been clinically exhausted. I would remind her of that intense friendship that we had, and ask her to remember our friendship in that way, as opposed to those last couple months of our friendship. Finally, I would tell her I will always miss her, and all of this is not a desperate plea to try and renew our friendship, as I know we are two different people now. Rather, it would be an attempt to finally end a good thing on a good note, because life is too short to hold grudges and think badly of others.
I miss you, SB. I wish nothing but the best for you, and some days I still wonder how you're doing- even after all this time. <3
My best friend (off and on) from ninth grade until two years after high school introduced me to my fiance. She worked with him, and set us up on a blind date. A few months later, she made me choose between him and her, and I chose him. Him and I are still together, and I know that I ultimately made the right choice. However, I think that there will always be a sense of loss when it comes to her. We were BEST friends in the most intense kind of way, and I just don't know if I will come to a point of closure on the entire ordeal. The last time we truly spoke I was half awake and just so upset, that I said, "fine" and simply gave up. Some days I wish I had had the energy to fight for her because when she was truly being my friend, she was an amazing friend. On the same note, I know that she is no longer that person with whom I shared this amazingly intense friendship with, and that reconcile (at this point) would be useless. It sucks but I guess I just need more time. With time, we forgive, forget, and heal, right?
If I could talk with her just one last time, I think that it would help me in a lot of ways. I never told her thank you for introducing me to the most important person in my life. I would tell her I'm sorry and that I think that that final talk would have gone differently had I not been clinically exhausted. I would remind her of that intense friendship that we had, and ask her to remember our friendship in that way, as opposed to those last couple months of our friendship. Finally, I would tell her I will always miss her, and all of this is not a desperate plea to try and renew our friendship, as I know we are two different people now. Rather, it would be an attempt to finally end a good thing on a good note, because life is too short to hold grudges and think badly of others.
I miss you, SB. I wish nothing but the best for you, and some days I still wonder how you're doing- even after all this time. <3
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